I haven't even processed the whole Boston thing yet. I can't. I can't look at the images. I can't understand what would bring someone to the point of deciding to kill other people in such a horrible way. I haven't read the stories of those who were killed or injured. I have tried not to think a lot about it. I haven't really prayed much about it. I haven't cried about it.
I don't cry very often. But this week I have cried about some plants of mine that died. I have cried about the huge pile of laundry. I have cried because the kids' rooms are horribly messy, even though they were just clean 3 days ago. I cried over the cost of car repairs. I cried when someone said some careless words to me. I cried when my son spilled his milk. I cried while I was making coffee this morning for no reason at all.
Except it isn't for no reason at all. I am crying over these little things because I haven't allowed myself to cry over the big ones. I haven't cried for Boston. Or for West Texas. Or for a family who was in a horrible car accident. Or for a friend who is struggling with an incurable degenerative disease. Or for a friend whose young son is facing serious medical issues.
I think many of you know that I am a deep feeler. I hurt when people hurt. I haven't wanted to hurt deeply for all of these big things so I (thought I) shut the doors of my heart to keep the pain at bay. But it isn't working...it never does. I am sad. So deeply, deeply, sad. I need to cry about the big things. I need the hurt because it is the intense pain of others that brings me to my knees. And on my knees is where I need to be.
What you are going to find on this blog: my thoughts (sometimes raw), my heart (spilling out), my honesty (maybe shocking), my ramblings (sometimes quite rambly!), my Jesus...especially that last one.
What you are not going to find: Platitudes (yuck), quick fixes (they don't exist), someone who acts like she has it all together...because I definitely DON'T!
I started this blog because I know the depths of muck in my own heart and the twistedness of my own thinking...and as I talked through my struggles with others I realized that I am not alone. So I promise to be honest with you, even if I think you aren't going to like me any more if I reveal the "real me." So if you want to keep thinking that I am a "nice" person, don't read my blog because I am not a nice person. But I am a redeemed person, saved by grace, for which I am eternally grateful.